Episode 103 : Are we Listening - And Why that is Important

Welcome to another edition of "Around with Randall", your weekly podcast for making your non-profit more effective for your community. And here is your host, the CEO and Founder of Hallett Philanthropy, Randall Hallett.

It's another great day right here on "Around with Randall" and I'm Randall. Today we want to talk about one of the skill sets that is so quintessential in the non-profit world. I think it applies to any profession, and hopefully in your personal life as well. And in the non-profit world I'm not just talking about fundraisers, I'm talking about anyone who functions either as a staff member or volunteer in an office. But maybe most importantly today's conversations around how we interact with donors, the skill set I'm talking about, is listening. I think that sometimes, particularly as we have dealt with a chaos and craziness of the pandemic, that we've been more concerned about what we say and not so much about what others are saying about us, in particular about the organizations in which we serve. There's been a cadence, a quickening step of need in part that's because we've been in such crazy times that nothing really seems normal.

Number two is we know in terms of a giving or generosity crisis that less donors are making gifts than ever before. Since 2018 or 19 less than 50 percent of the households in the United States are making a charitable gift, so the competition for less people, if we apply basic economics, less Supply more demand means higher competition. Sometimes I think that we are more worried about what we're saying to our donors than really what they're saying to us, in particular leaders who, in our organizations, who may not be fundraisers.

So what is it that we really want to discuss here? I was really moved by a study of 1,300 donors, a little more than 1,300 donors done by the RKD Group that was highlighted in the Chronicle of Philanthropy that discussed what donors are saying about how they feel they're being listened to. Let's just get to the punch line. Many of them don't think they're being listened to. And that got me to think well, what is it we're actually talking about here? So the philosophical, the top part of our podcast, is about the problem and then we'll get to the Tactical.

I think that I see more often because I'm on a lot of mailing lists, I'll call them email lists, particularly with clients that there seems to be and this is anecdote. I don't have any proof an increasing amount of communication traffic coming through email, newsletters, things of that nature, to be candidate. I'm in the for-profit world even though my my for-profit business supports the non-profit entities that I'm privileged to work with. I'm doing the same. It was kind of a moment where I thought well, we're pushing out all this information. Is it really helping? And that what they found in the study was, is that many donors are indicating that they're being talked at. So if your organization is doing more communicating, more email traffic, more information flow, you may think well, I'm communicating more I guess technically in volume, you are, the question is are you communicating in a way that actually helps your cause? And it really gets down to a basic principle, are you actually listening? And that's an entirely different question.

We don't spend enough time listening. I think that applies not only professionally but personally. I could be a better husband if I listened more. I would be more in tune with what my wife's needs are, how I can be supportive of her amazing work in keeping our family moving together on the home front. I could be a better father if I listened to my children more often. Now that's a little difficult because I don't view my relationship with my children at nine and almost six as an equal partnership. Opinions, desires, fears. Am I listening?

And the same is true of our donors. We can push out more communication but is it actually information that they need or want? Does it help them understand the value of their engagement if we think about what we know is that retention rates for non-profits is diminishing, has been for a number of years, particularly the annual giving cycle? And I think that this has been elevated in terms of thought or communication is because a lot of non-profits saw an increase in new donors through the pandemic, particularly if you were serving in an area that was directly related to the effects of the pandemic - food banks, hospitals. It didn't doesn't mean they were more important in those moments. It's they were just more at the top of the food chain when it came to need because it was immediate.

How do you retain those donors? Some of the things that we think about is the concept of engagement. But how do you do that? Which brings us to this idea of listening and the tactical piece of this part of the podcast, is how do we become better listeners in different spaces, communication chains and things of that nature? And so I'm going to bring you kind of some thoughts on that. And this begins to now begin to evolve into this concept of listening and the tactical pieces of what we might be able to do. I think there's three big overreaching concepts that we should always keep in mind when we listen.

Number one is be present in the moment. There's nothing worse when you're dealing with someone and you're trying to get your point across and you know that they're just not simply there. I have a habit of that sometimes. Not because I don't want to listen, but and I still totally from the the film The The Incredibles, Pixar, and in the first Incredibles there's the villain who talks about the idea of monologuing. He starts talking and talking and he's not paying attention. What's going on, I think of it as mono thinking, that I have a brain that sometimes drifts to other things that are not irrelevant but they're not in the moment, and sometimes, most of the time, I'm thinking two or three things at all at once. Where I really need to be concentrated on, what's going on here. So be present, be in the moment.

Number two, don't be judgmental. I think about what my mom taught me many years ago about feelings and I can't even remember what the subject matter was, but Mom indicated that she felt when I did something that it made her feel this way and I pushed back. I must have been 15, 16, 17 years old and said well that's not fair, and Mom put up her hand gently because she always had a great way of explaining, yeah I'm gonna talk and you're gonna listen but I don't have to talk over you. And that hand came up and I got quiet. She said something incredibly powerful that stuck with me for my the rest of my life. You don't get to control my emotions. This is how I feel when you do this. If you don't accept someone else's perspective, their feelings, even if you think they're not reasonable, then you're being judgmental. And the key here is not to be. Because their feelings and perspective are valid to them and that's always important.

The third is try not to draw too many conclusions, especially at the early part of a conversation. It's my experience that when we work with people, deal with people, interact with people, that the first few things that they indicate as part of the conversation aren't actually what the conclusion is. And so the more you are open to the conversation and to them the better off you're going to be regarding not drawing conclusions too early or at all.

So those three things, I think, are always important in any conversation. Be present, be non-judgmental, don't jump to conclusions too quickly. So what are the tactical things now into the application that you can do? If you think about a donor, or a board member, or a key constituent, and maybe crazy as Randall might seem, maybe you can do this in your personal life with your friends, your family, significant other, spouse, parents, children?

Number one, let them tell their story. Their connection to your organization, their desire to give is based on some experience of their life. If you don't let them tell their story then you don't know what connects them and this is a term or thought process training slide that I use but the terms perspective and the slide that I love to use, and I use it in different circumstances depending on the teaching moment is looking down at a six or a nine. It's the same figure but it depends on which side you're looking at it. If you're on the right it's a nine if it's on the left it's six. Why they choose to give is their perspective. Why they choose to feel the way they do is their perspective. And if you can figure out how to see it from their perspective, seeing the six rather than the nine do a much better chance of building a deeper relationship engendering trust, growing rapport. That's done by listening.

If you're looking for a way to get someone to express that, ask them to reminisce. Tell me about this experience for you. Why was this important? What things in your life allowed you to get to this point and feel this way?

What you'll find is they'll tell stories that will clearly identify why they are, where they are.

The second thing is is to pay attention to non-verbals. There are many experts way beyond anything I could ever say that indicate that actually non-verbals may be more important than the verbal words that they use. I use this in gift officer training about how people's hands are where they look. What they're doing. Are they leaning forward? Are they leaning back? Non-verbals can help create, as I'll put it, color to the story. If they are telling their story it may be in black and white, but their non-verbals will put color to it, will create power with it. Pay attention to those and begin to learn what nonverbal signs are. I just don't have enough time keeping to the constraints of my goal of 20 minutes per week but go Google non-verbal signs and there's about a million websites that can walk you through them. You might find a little value with them.

The third is to let pauses go. One of the most powerful things I realized early on in my career, and it actually had nothing to do with fundraising, came from the work that I loved while I was early on in my fundraising journey, fundraiser journey, is I was a broadcaster. I spent time calling basketball, and football, and volleyball, and soccer games. I was very lucky enough to have them televised, radio. I really enjoyed it but I learned the power of the pause. The best to ever do this from a broadcasting perspective, in my opinion, was Vin Scully. That some of the greatest memories, moments in Sports in the last 60, 70 years Vin Scully just passed away here recently. If it's Kirk Gibson's home run or Joe Montana's pass into Dwight Clark in the back of the end zone against the Cowboys in 81 to launch the 49er Dynasty, he sat out. He let the picture and the sound carry the day in our world. Allowing someone to pause allows them to, what I would call, re-energize their story strength, giving them the chance, the opportunity to know to figure out how they want to take that next step. And if you jump in too quickly you block their story. Learn to sit with the pause. Let them continue. Pauses are a chance for someone to recalculate how they want to tell you what's important to them.

The fourth is what I think of as, and I'm not an expert, but active listening skills, at appropriate points being able to say things like. I heard this is this what you meant, is this right? Did I understand this correctly? What that does is create a sense of empathy, trust, rapport that you are doing something that most people have struggle to do. There's a difference between listening and hearing. Hearing is the ability to have words come in your in your ears. Listings about being able to process what it meant. And active listening is about processing what they meant. Use that, I understood. Tell me about that. Did this, was this what you meant? I think what you'll find is you'll build a deeper and more quick, and quicker sense of rapport and trust with with individuals.Stephen Covey said it best to paraphrase, if you really want someone to understand you have to understand them first. I think there's a lot of power in that.

The last tactical thing I'll mention before just a couple of side issues to keep in mind is that the ratio in a relationship that's really deep, particularly in fundraising, two parts listening, one part talking. You're listening two-thirds of the time. To do that you got to ask very few yes, no questions. A lot of whys and hows so that you get them the opportunity to tell you what's important to them. There's also a couple of other areas of what I'll call listening that are important. I am not as good at some of these. you'll understand why in a second. in part we were talking about face to face which is, or Zoom to zoom, if we want on the phone. But there's other ways of listening.

If you're paying attention social media is one way are you listening to what people say about your organization and the messaging that you're putting out. And by the way what the community thinks about it. And are you responding? Are you adjusting your communication? Social media when used correctly can be a powerful survey mechanism to give you a sense of what people think about you. I think the other thing is that some people still use email and letters to indicate concern. We, I recently was a part of an organization who got an email of concern. If someone's going to write you a letter or send you an email specifically, directly, not social media, not Twitter, Facebook, all that I'm talking they sent something, it's my belief you have a response to your responsibility to respond. Even if it's something you disagree with. And so anytime that you have someone who reaches out directly, respond. That's your way, particularly an email letter, of listening to what they said and being active in that process.

The last is if you see a drop in attendance, if you notice an event doesn't have as many people or there's a drop in communication that's in non-verbal signal that there may be a problem. Something else to keep in mind. Listening is a powerful tool to build relationships, if we do it correctly. The question is, are we listening or are we hearing? And are we doing so with an understanding that we can learn a lot about what moves the people who support us?

Don't forget check out the blogs hallettphilanthropy.com - two or three a week, 90 second reads. You can get an RSS feed now you can check them out give you something to think about if you want to communicate with me that's podcast@hallettphilanthropy.com. Be glad to take your questions, concerns and yes I will listen. Don't forget that you are doing something that's critically important. Our communities need help right now. It's a crazy time and there are people and organizations, certainly values in our communities that need philanthropy, the love of mankind, to make a difference in their life or in their being. Don't forget. Some people make things happen, some people watch things happen, and those that wonder what happened. You're someone who makes someone make things happen. You partner with others in the community who also want to make things happen for the people and things that are wondering what happened, and that's worthy of a career. I don't know what else I would do. I hope you feel the same. We'll see you right back here on the next edition of "Around with Randall." Don't forget, make it a great day.