Episode 151: Disappointment and Success Part 1 - How to Deal With and Move Through Disappointment

Welcome to another edition of "Around with Randall" your weekly podcast on making your nonprofit more effective for your community. And here is your host, the CEO and founder of Hallett Philanthropy, Randall Hallett. Thanks for taking a few minutes to join me, Randall, on this edition of "Around with Randall.

We start a two-part series on dealing with life and maybe a little bit of personal but mostly professional. We'll tie this obviously back into our nonprofit world but about success and failure. Today we're going to take a leap, take some hope at trying to answer the challenges which is the tougher one of failure. How do you deal with failure in life and professionally? And we can talk about a couple of examples of what that might look like. I have a client recently who made a very large ask and they were disappointed with the answer or the non-answer as it appears to be, at least at this point. Maybe you've, and I've got a friend who's gone through this lost a job recently and they're disappointed with that, maybe in my case it's not getting a contract or losing a client. It might be the the fact of the thought process of losing an employee. I, someone that's very valuable in the firm and they're going to go do something else. It might even be personal and I'll begin to talk more about this. For some who know I lost my dad this last summer and someone that I was, really the only man I ever wanted to be, how do you deal with disappointment in that which is very personal, that loss that goes along with it. I think we'll start with the concept of what really failure or loss or the emotions that go along with it are really all about.

Robert Peck is a psychoanalyst and and author on psychology and a resident expert on emotion, and he talks about it from the perspective of the eight basic emotions that are actually pairs or opposites. And on one half of kind of this thing about a circle, one half are all the positive aspects of life whether that's anticipation, Joy, trust, and we'll get into fear and how that's may be both parts and the other part is maybe more on the disappointment side as we talk about it in this framework, anger, disgust, sadness, and surprise, and disgust is you know across from trust and joy is the opposite or across from sadness and anger is across the emotional wheel from fear and anticipations opposite is surprise. Disappointment much of the time lands somewhere on the spectrum of anger, disgust, sadness, surprise, and maybe even fear depending on what you're looking at. And the the, what's coming next and what you're fearful of but it's real in any one of the situations I mentioned kind of at the top of the podcast about the examples of the donor losing a job or maybe losing a client or a contract or you know maybe an employee, somebody says I'm going to go take another job and you're surprised by it, or you lose someone you love, you sit in this paradigm of these negative emotions because obviously failure is not good. It's not fun. It's almost like the grieving process that when things happen while they may not be tangible in terms of being able to hold them in your hands that doesn't make them any less real in your emotional feelings, and how you deal with them, and how you look at life.

I've always believed and and mom taught us my three, the three of us, my two sisters and myself, incredibly well that life is a series of moments and your perspective on each moment is different depending on your perspective. And what happens in these moments of disappointment, failure, sometimes people think of is it shades the rest of the world. And the key is to have an honest, clear view of actually what's going on, and that's really what the tactical pieces are that we need to talk about.

Right now we're seeing a lot of disappointment. If we think about kind of the nonprofit world we're having less donors in our world. That has been discussed by me many times, and by others as well, that now we're under 47% of the households in the United States making any type of charitable gift which makes our jobs harder because that means less people are giving. And those are things that are important to us if we're in the nonprofit world because that's what we live on in terms of success. In many ways we also have kind of an odd time of economic challenges, probably not as many positives as they are negatives, but here as I record this today student loan payments are starting again. For some that's a disappointment. like I thought maybe there would be a better opportunity for me to get rid of these. We have economic challenge with inflation meaning you can afford less on what you're making. Maybe you didn't get raise you were thinking so that means you're making conscious decisions at home about finance. It could be that you have someone in your family who's sick and or ill and you're like well this isn't fair. It's a disappointment.

All of these things are transpiring at the same time and then you do an additive piece, and I'm, I don't get into the political but there's a little chaos in our political world and that that causes some instability just in general life. So all of these things are happening and that causes a lot of challenges and causes us to be, as I talked about earlier, and mom taught me shading the way we look at what's going on in the world.

So how do you deal with disappointment? Maybe a little more tactical today. I want to start with actually before you get into the disappointment and maybe the issue at hand is actually a conversation about what happens in the moments before for and that's all about expectations. Part of disappointment some of the time is the unrealistic expectations that we have. There are limits in life. I was always very fortunately in a lot of of of I'll give DNA credit and certainly god-given gifts was always very athletic in my upbringing. Very, played all sports and all the way through high school and even played a little bit in college, but Dad always talked about that life in sports was like a triangle with the sitting on its side think of an equilateral triangle and that at the bottom of the triangle if it's if the base is sitting on the bottom with the point at the top that's everybody and in sports as our example kindergarten, first, second grade. Everybody can play sports. But as you start up in your age, and more importantly up in the competition, the triangle begins to narrow and that represents the narrowing of people that can do that particular activity at the level that's required to continue to elevate. And you keep going up, and up, and up, and up, and pretty soon there's a very small number and in athletics it's about speed and hand-eye coordination. There's certain things no matter how hard you work if you're just slow you can't make yourself faster, or if you love basketball but you're only 5 foot 5 that's going to be a challenge. There are certain pieces of the equation when we talk about disappointment that are outside of our control, which goes back to expectations. Were expectations reasonable?

And I actually believe that expectations is a mathematical formula. Expectation actually is a way of thinking about disappointment because if we think about it, disappointment actually equals expectations over reality. If our reality is actually accurate then we can actually maybe even be ready more often for the disappointment. So you think about the mathematical equation, expectations, if they're really high like a five but reties a one will that's going to equate five over one five to that level of disappointment. If your reality is one and your expectations are one then that means that your disappointment is going to be less, and so I'm not here to underplay what is possible. I believe in dreaming. My dreams in life have come true because I had them, and I give my parents credit for that, for demanding that their children go out and look at life in a positive way and think about what is doable. But I also am a realist to know there are certain things I'll never be able to do, and that doesn't mean I don't have disappointment more than most, but I think that we all need a level setting about what's realistic in our expectations. I can never invent something in technology, you know kind of the world we live in where you can get rich by inventing something technological. Man, we are so far out of my my knowledge base I can't do that, and so my disappointments actually close to zero because I just don't expect that. But my expectations when it comes to the way that I look at my family, I look at my company, I look at my personal decisions, are all very high. So if something were to go wrong there, that's probably based on my behavior and thus there would be a mass disappointment. All I'm saying is that when you look at your life, be realistic but also have dreams, and sometimes that's a tough balance. And sometimes as we get older, and I'm kind of moving into that stage, you and we'll talk about this here in a moment regarding the idea of kind of reassessing when disappointment happens, you sometimes think am I disappointed by certain aspects and certain things I didn't do in life or certain things that didn't happen. Realize that expectations are important but also that there's time to change as well. This wasn't meant to be so philosophical. We'll get more more in this the tactical with philanthropy here, but I think it's important to put it in context.

So how do we deal with disappointment? The first thing is I would say is don't be too hard on yourself. First in that kind of piece is this idea that disappointment is actually real. If you try to say well I'm just going to push it over there and it really doesn't affect me you're either a cyborg and have no emotions or you are the most unique person in the world I've ever seen or met because expectations and disappointment that lead to disappointment cause hurts. I've been disappointed in life and those are real feelings, those, and somebody who says well you shouldn't have those feelings, I kind of go back to what mom always taught me my sisters, your emotions are yours which makes them real. So don't think that well I shouldn't be disappointed. It's a natural state. It's part of being a human being. So when that gift doesn't come into fruition it, you shouldn't just like I always talk about water off a duck's back. Yes that's to our activity but that doesn't mean you shouldn't let it register emotionally. That's disappointing. you lose a job, that's upsetting.

The second thing is, though, is not letting you yourself wallow in that disappointment, which is hard. You have to move on in some way, shape, or form. And maybe the easiest way to get started is to let it out. Sometimes letting it out is screaming in to a pillow. Sometimes it's increasing your exercise so that you can burn off some of that energy that is kind of built up inside of you, taking a walk, run, going to the gym, whatever that is. Sometimes that's talking with someone, which we'll get into here in a moment, about just letting it out. And that grief I've learned a lot from my amazing wife and because she's taught me I and I hope decently sometimes I don't get it right is it comes in different forms for men and women. A lot of times women say something and they're not looking for it to be solved and you know being the dumber gender that men are, we try to solve it instead of just listening. Sometimes just having someone to talk to and let it out is very powerful, so if someone's doing that and you are the recipient meaning you're the support mechanism, let them have it out. But the first thing is not to be too hard on yourself. This is actual pain. It hurts. Disappointment, depending on the scope and size isn't fun.

Number two is to get perspective. I think about it through Forest through the trees, what are we really talking about here. I'll take an example with my son. He is 10 years old. I coached a soccer team and he's actually pretty good at being goalie, which is kind of surprising to everybody, but he's been asking Dad I really don't want to play goalie as much. I'm like buddy you're really good at it and I finally said you know I need to probe a little bit more as to why, and what it turned out was is he felt the sole responsibility, the disappointment of the goal when he gave up a goal. And I, we sat down and actually with a piece of paper and I drew it out and I said look if your defense doesn't help you are you solely responsible for this. Oh no, but I don't want to let my teammates down. And it was a great lesson about getting perspective that if we are able to see more of the facts it doesn't mitigate the fact that we have a part in the process. I'm not saying my son is, you, alleviated from any responsibility in when a goal is given up but it wasn't all his doing. That takes a partnership, and I talked about letting it out a few month moments ago. I would advocate here who you trust in these conversations is critically important. Will they be honest with you? Will they help you elevate above the trees to see the entire forest? So the second thing is perspective and really making sure that you have people that can help you see that in the right way. I would also say for perspective just kind of at a separate moment is don't in that losing forest through the trees, think that the whole world's coming to an end. Yes disappointment happens, so if we're taking our job for example maybe a gift doesn't come to for maybe not having the year you thought you were going to have because some gifts didn't come in, that doesn't mean like everything stinks. This is just one sliver of a bigger picture, and going back to my son in his soccer, he loves playing. He loves his friends. He's having a ball. This class has never really won anything in athletics. They're not the most athletic class to be honest and yet they're having fun because they're winning. So his disappointment about being goalie, I was able to elevate that just a little bit and say but this thing about the other aspects of the game. You're with your friends, you're having fun, you're getting exercise, you're learning the game, you're getting better. Oh yeah, I like those things.

Number three is realizing control and what I'm really talking about is acceptance. Much of the time disappointment in my experience happens in ways. One is that you had something you could control and something happened that caused a problem for you. You did something that is controllable and those are the ones that hurt the most. I don't think those happen as much as we think. It doesn't mean we're not contributorily involved with disappointment, and we'll talk about that here in a moment, but sometimes it's out of our hands. I talk, go back to the idea of making an ask and you think and a donor that as a client was dealing with, thought the gift was in hand and it's gotten more complicated. It was out of their control. There were things going on, we began to figure out, that had nothing to do with the organization, nothing to do with the person who made the ask. Everything was done textbook. It was done brilliantly. They just don't have the answer they're looking for quite yet. Sometimes that lack of control is frustrating and causes us disappointment, and the key here is to realize sometimes we don't have, we can't push all the buttons. I always tell my son that life is about what happens to you. Excuse me, life's not about what happens to you, it's about how you deal with it. And part of that dealing is realizing what you can control and what you can't control, so understand that there is a perspective here that can be done that allows you to understand that they're outside people with influence on what's going on in the world. Sometimes you can't do anything about it.

Number four is reassess, you know, what is it that you want when you come out of this moment. There's maybe the immediate disappointment of whatever it is, how do I go forward, and I'll use me as an example with with with losing my dad. Dad and I talk two or three times a day, they live six blocks away or Mom now lives six blocks away, and I miss him. I don't have another way to put it. But I also realized a couple things. Number one is that my time with him was well spent, it wasn't wasted those two or three phone calls a day and seeing him three or four, five times a week, and I would say the same for my mother. I didn't, I don't have any any regrets other than he didn't live longer than I wanted to so I could enjoy him and he could enjoy me and our family. But I also can reassess that I don't want to lose that with my sisters and my mother and my wife and my kids, so reassessment and disappointment can be how do I get to where I want to go because I got a chance to reset. There's always more that I could do and be.

Number five is try to find a way forward. What's your plan? What are you going to do? The worst thing, and we talked about this in number one about wallowing and sorrow, it doesn't mean like disappointment happens in five seconds later you're going to make a plan, but what is it you can control that you can do differently. That goes back to what I talked about a second ago about my son and my daughter and what I teach them or try to teach them life isn't about what happens to you it's how you deal with it, how do you move forward.

Number six is finally to learn from it, and part of this is a realization how did you contribute to the problem. Almost never in my life in anything that I failed at and had disappointment with, and as I tell people all the time I make more mistakes every day than most people do in a month, the question is what have I learned from it and how was I contributing to it and how do I eliminate that to make it a better option, outcome, process, result the next time. That's sometimes hard because we want to blame other people for the disappointment and sometimes we are part of that process. If you can make the those adjustments you'll reduce the kind of disappointment. We go back to that mathematical equation about expectations over reality equal it just disappointment, it'll help you with the expectations, help you with what you can control. It'll help you, all kinds of things, if you realize what mistakes you made along the way and try to improve them.

The last thing I would say about all of this, and this is whether it's a huge thing and you think, oh my gosh my life's over too, it's a small thing and but it still stinks. Any disappointment I've had in my life I've realized in hindsight was not the end of the world. It was not something that was so catastrophic that I could not overcome. I could not adjust. I could not make change in the moment. It's all-encompassing Council from those of us who have made a million mistakes with lots of disappointment, even the ones that people can't see is is that nothing in life is that disappointing that you can't go take the next step forward. Might not be easy. May be tough. May require change, but you can go forward. Disappointment is not easy. The question is what you're going to do with it. Hopefully a couple of these things will allow you to kind of look at it whether it's a gift or the job you didn't get, the raise you didn't get, that particular job, or maybe something personal, gives you a chance to kind of reset and rebuild. And if that's what it does for you then that's a great deal for me. Next time we'll deal with success and what that means.

Don't forget to check out the podcast at Hallettphilanthropy.com - 90 second reads - just things I see and think are interesting that are related to either leadership or nonprofit or just the world. Worth getting RSS feed, RSS feed. It will allow you a opportunity to kind of maybe think about different things in the world and how it might apply to you. And if you want to get a hold of me that's podcast@hallettphilanthropy.com. As I do every show let me tell you how important you are. You're doing great things and nonprofit work is built upon that premise that we do the things that fill the gaps in our society and they're important whether you're a board member a gift officer, a CEO, database person, infrastructure, it doesn't make any difference. You're contributing, which brings me to my favorite saying some people make things happen, some people watch things happen, then there are those who wondered what happened. Nonprofit work and the work you do, philanthropy, is built on the premise in my opinion that people who are trying to make things happen, are doing it for those who are wondering what happened. That's a great way to live a professional life, and I hope you feel that a little bit each and every day. I'll look forward to seeing you next time right back here on another Edition talking about success on "Around with Randall," and don't forget make it a great day.