Episode 218: How Emotions/Life Perspective of Others Affect You: How to Deal with Negative People
Welcome to another edition of Around with Randall, your weekly podcast for making your nonprofit more effective for your community. And here is your host, the CEO and founder of Hallett Philanthropy, Randall Hallett.
It's such an honor to have you join me on this edition of Around with Randall. I was reading my LinkedIn feed, which I probably don't do enough, but every once in a while, I try to make sure I'm keeping up with what's going on with people that I know or people that I have a greater respect for.
There was a particular post—a video—about the effect of positive and negative influences on your life. I was fascinated. I actually watched it four or five times. What it really got down to was, how do other people’s positive or negative attitudes and perspectives affect you? This led me to think about this podcast subject in two different ways. First, how does this affect you personally? Second, who are the people we want to be affiliated with?
We all know that in the nonprofit world, we’re not probably paid as well as other sectors. So the mission we believe in and the environment we work in every day are critically important. Sometimes those things compensate for the fact that we might be able to make more money doing something else. The people we associate with become pretty darn important in how they affect us. I was fascinated by all of this, which led me to do a lot more research than I normally do.
A lot of times in my podcast, I have a subject, a couple of note cards, and use them as an outline. But this one required me to do a little more work, which wasn’t the worst thing in the world. I found some results that were really interesting. I want to start with the science. There’s a science to this—the thought process of emotional contagion, meaning somebody else's emotions, not just what they’re doing but the emotions behind it, actually affect us much more deeply than I ever realized.
Let’s walk through this for a second, then transition into the tactical. The first tactical is about what you can do to make sure you're finding the right people to work around, from both a leader’s and an employee’s perspective. Or just in personal life—what can you do to avoid or deal with people who bring negativity into your world?
The science of social influence and emotional contagion shows that in academic studies, positive and negative energy, attitudes, and emotions impact you in various ways. A recent publication in Psychological Science indicated that when exposed to happy facial expressions, people watching those expressions activate their own positive emotions. Think about this with a baby—when you smile, they smile. That’s what we’re talking about. When we are in a setting with someone, we tend to mirror their facial reactions. This happens due to mirror neurons in our brains.
Another study on social networks at the University of California, San Diego, found that happiness is contagious and spreads through social networks. If you are in close contact with someone who is happy, you’re 15% more likely to be happy yourself. On the flip side, negativity can have an adverse effect. Many parents, including myself, are concerned about the impact of social media on teenagers, as it amplifies negative interactions.
Body language and enthusiasm also play a role. A Stanford University study found that when people engage in positive emotional interactions, productivity and engagement increase by 25%. Similarly, negativity has a toll. The Journal of Applied Psychology published a study stating that working with a chronically negative coworker reduces team performance by 30%.
Second-hand stress is another factor. A study conducted at the University of Y and the University of Munster found that witnessing stressful situations—even if you’re not directly involved—releases cortisol in your brain, increasing stress levels by 26%. This influences how you view things and makes you more likely to have a negative perspective.
Negativity also affects health. A Yale University study found that prolonged exposure to negativity can lead to immune suppression and increased susceptibility to illness. On the positive side, an 80-year-long Harvard study found that people with strong, positive relationships in their personal and professional lives tend to live longer. A University of Michigan study showed that people in a positive environment are 20% more productive and creative in problem-solving.
All of this reinforces that the people you surround yourself with are incredibly important. So, what does this have to do with philanthropy? As I mentioned earlier, the people we work with can be a key reason why we stay in this profession. Not only do we want to help others, but we want to work alongside people who share that mission.
Who we hire makes a difference. I’ve discussed hiring principles in past episodes of Around with Randall. For example, in episode 84, I talked about the importance of hard and soft skills in gift officers and relationship-building roles. In episode 120, I covered the balance between education and experience. In episode 156, I identified three core things I recommend looking for when hiring: a fire in the belly, strong communication skills, and a connection to the mission.
But today, I want to focus on a different aspect of hiring: how do you figure out if someone will be a positive or negative influence in your office before you hire them? And if they’re already on your team, what can you do to mitigate any negative impact?
One approach is to ask emotional depth questions during interviews. Instead of just asking about past successes or failures, ask them to share an example of a time they uplifted a teammate or the team. Can they provide a real-life example of positively elevating others? Another question is how they handled working with a difficult team member.
Pay attention to their energy and nonverbal cues. Do they seem engaged and enthusiastic, or are they dull and monotone? Do they smile and make eye contact? These subtle cues can reveal a lot about their potential impact on workplace culture.
Additionally, consider their values. Understanding what they prioritize can help gauge their alignment with your organization's mission. By being intentional in hiring and creating a workplace culture that fosters positivity, we can create an environment that supports both personal and professional well-being.
A lot of times legally, there's a lot at most are pulling back on their ability to talk. But instead of saying we'll do the job, how do they get along with the team? Did everyone like working with them, getting some personal references and not asking them? Are they a good person? Because how do they how do you interact with them?
How do you feel when you get done working with them or or spending time with them? Why do you choose them to be a friend or a colleague? These are all things that you can do, whether it's the longer term relational, whether it's the group setting, whether it's the formal testing or whether it is really maybe adding some questions to what you talk about can give you a perspective.
There are some red flags to be aware of. If you find that someone is constantly or frequently complaining or gossiping, that's a tough one. It's tough enough to work in an office without those things. If they're dismissive of other people's opinions or critical of other people's behaviors, judgmental, that may be tough. And they're reluctant, possibly, of celebrating the team's success or someone else's success.
They're focused on them, not on others. So all of these things can be added to the interview process. And frankly, other than the Myers-Briggs. I think maybe you have to pay a little bit. Most of it's pretty easy. Could be very influential in whether or not you bring on the right people. So that's kind of an administrative leadership component.
On a personal level, what happens when you're around someone that is negative? There are several things that I might recommend. That the first starts with understanding the root cause. I have a lot of challenges and difficulties and and certainly faults. But I would say one of my strengths is that I can get to the root cause of a lot of different things by asking good questions.
Some of that comes from law school and learning how to question through things in terms of how you sequence different opportunities to gather information. Some of that is just natural curiosity. A lot of it comes from my parents, who could get stuff out of people that couldn't believe they said things, and I kind of stole some of those kind of thoughts.
There's reasons people act this way, many of which you can't change. Bad family situation. You're at the work environment. I don't know what you can do. Be supportive, obviously, but you can't solve it. Financial crisis. You can't solve it. They have clinical issues. Maybe there's depression or chemical imbalance or even into there ingesting certain substances that cause them to be negative can't change that.
The key is to be aware of it. What is by asking a few questions. The root cause of that negativity. I'm not sure that you can fix it, but what it might do is give you some perspective and maybe a little bit more empathy. Most people don't just come into the world negative things happen. Can you understand what they are and empathize in that relationship?
Number two is in terms of protection is really to emphasize accountability and set expectations. The greatest expectation setter I ever I've ever met is my mother. She lays out how she wants the relationship to be. Now, I also think the world of my mother, and she's one of the finest people I've ever known and feel fortunate that I have been influenced by.
But you sometimes have to set expectations that if the negativity is getting to you, don't hang around with them so much. Pull back. We're dealing with this with my eight year old daughter, who's going through the chaos of getting older. I think it'd be just easier if they all just it in kindergarten, to be candid. Having a son is a challenge.
Having a daughter is chaos. We're talking about you got to have a lot of different friends. You got to be in different groups. You got to be open to different situations because things change moment to moment. How do you find and have create options and create expectations of what you're willing to put up with?
Number three provide when it's appropriate constructive feedback. This is like parenting. Now it's tough. If it's a social work environment and you're at the same level as someone else, or maybe you report to them, it's like, yeah, at some point that might be offensive. So you gotta be careful when you use it. But there are some things you can do in that constructive moment to be appropriate.
Number one is do it privately. I don't ever want to embarrass anything. When I think about disciplining or guiding or leaving my kids. 99% of it, unless I'm coaching them on a field. Matter of choice is done behind closed doors. I'm never going to embarrass them by their behavior unless they there's no other option. I don't want to know.
I want to guide them. Well, the same thing is true of other relationships. Hey, when you do this, people kind of feel this way. You do that in front of a large group. That's offensive. You do that in a small group. It's less offensive. You do it one on one, and where there's trust, it can be helpful. The second thing is you specific examples.
When you did this, the room reacted this way. Or when you did this, I felt this way. I hear my mother here because that's how she did it. When you did this, I felt this way. And I once or maybe more than once said, well, that's not fair. And she goes, whoa, whoa, whoa. These are my feelings. These are you can't change how I feel.
This is how I feel. You can change whether you do anything about it or if you care. But you can't change the way I feel about it. Really profound effect on how you view other people. Also focus on the positive. Find solutions. Hey, if you thought about looking at it in this way, or hey, have you maybe contemplated how this might be a little different?
Number number four really think about the strengths of positivity instead of in the constructive criticisms we just talked about. Could you even reverse it and say, when you do this, you make me feel awesome? I do this with my kids a lot as positive reinforcement. When they do something, I go. It makes me proud as your dad, as your father.
Could I go the other way and say when you do this, boy, that really suck? Yes, but try to think about it in a more positive sense because I want them to elevate. I want them to smile. I want, but this is what we want in our relationships. So can you leverage that moment instead of being just constructive to be positive?
Number five create a buffer. There was a story from many years ago from my wife, where she had a friend who she worked out with, and that friend did not have a very positive viewpoint of life, just was. And eventually my wife said to her, without anything I was involved with, but I kind of witnessed it. I just can't work out with you anymore.
Because she knew when she'd come home she was negative. She was ticked off. She was unhappy. She was tired of being complained to. She was tired. Babe complained about. How do you set a buffer personally to spend less time with them professionally? Maybe you look at how you spend other time in other teams, or how you work around.
Other people are more positive, more often do things maybe more alone. Set a buffer if at all possible.
Number six: Set a limit for yourself. A net impact. At a certain point, if it's just overwhelming, your mental health is not worth it. Now, I'm not saying just run out and quit because that's bad if that's the environment.
But I would say this—life is short. Never more so than I realize that now, some 17 or 18 months since my father passed. Life is short. Creating options for yourself and being around the people you care about the most, who make you feel good about who you are, is important. You can't do that moment to moment in terms of decisions; you have to think about them longitudinally.
But if you're just in a bad environment, plan a way out. Just don't walk in and quit. Look at other options. There are a lot of other places that can provide an environment that's incredibly more positive. The last thing is, and this is kind of along the lines of setting buffers, but really implementing a sense of accountability for yourself and others.
Sometimes the hardest conversations are the ones that are most structured and the most direct. "I just can't spend as much time around you. You make me feel sad." Now, is that the first thing you should open with? No. Is that the middle thing to happen with? No. But at some point, it may be just as appropriate.
In terms of accountability measures, maybe you have to keep a record. Say, look at incidents or conversations where you track because you're not quite sure, or you feel bad. That's how my wife figured out this relationship issue with the person she was working out with. She finally started, like, on her calendar, making a highlighted mark. "When do I feel that? It's every time with her." So how do you track this and then make a decision, know when to get out, and say, "You know, it's just not worth it."
All of this is to say that you need to be thinking about how you create a more positive environment for the people you surround yourself with—your family, your professional life. If you're a leader, no matter if you're a senior, the president, or an assistant, it doesn't make a difference. You can be a leader in this by being more positive.
You can control what you do. And number two, you can begin to assess the people around you. Who are the people that make you happy? Who are the people that you believe in? Who are the people that elevate you? Because that's really what we're talking about. You can do so by the way you hire, and you can also do so in the way you evaluate your relationships.
That's the most important thing. The world of social interaction, the idea of emotional contagion, is a fascinating science. There are tactical ways you can use it to your advantage to make your professional life, and maybe your personal life, just a little bit better.
Don't forget to check out the blogs at howitphilanthropy.com—two a week or so—getting an RSS feed right to your inbox. And if you'd like to reach out to me, it's podcast@hallettphilanthropy.com.
The world we live in is perilous much of the time. There's so much going on that we have to deal with. Today was all about realizing the value of nonprofits, but most importantly, the value of the people in those nonprofits—the donors you work with, the teams you work with, and how they can affect you.
And don't forget, that means you're also affecting others.
My favorite saying: Some people make things happen. Some people watch things happen. Then there are those who wonder what happened. This is about making things happen—internally and externally—for a lot of different people around you, and how they make things happen for you.
And what we do, at the end of the day, is really about the people who are wondering what happened. What a great way to spend a professional life—something to look forward to every day.
I look forward to seeing you next time, right back here on the next edition of Around with Randall. And don’t forget—make it a great day.